after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
