well I can't set my house on fire every night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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