...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Only a mothe r could love this liver
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
