she was so not down for the gang bang
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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