I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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