3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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