Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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