i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
