walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
