New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I want a musical about memes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
