if i died would you start the facebook group?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
