Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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