WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
