Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
