This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
