I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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