After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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