I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
