She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
