you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
