I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
