I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
