I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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