My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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