VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
