You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
