I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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