Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
