My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
