you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
