I wish my penis had an off switch
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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