I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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