I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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