My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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