Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
