On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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