Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
