On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
