where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
