Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
