I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
