Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
