So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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