Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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