So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
