she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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