Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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