I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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