I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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