Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
