I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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