I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
