One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
