After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
