Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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