Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
