I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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