Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
